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Helpful Tip: Don't go for overkill.
In the rush to own the biggest and baddest weaponry, supervillains often fall into a trap -- spending all their resources obtaining 'superweapons' when often a large conventional weapon will do!
DON'T USE A BIGGER WEAPON THAN NECESSARY
I remember when my friend, Son of Mole Man, tried to destroy the Chrysler Building with his moon-based Magma Ray. Of course, the League of Propriety stopped him, because he spent so much time trying to perfect the Magma Ray. He'd forgotten that a few well-placed C4 charges, or one small briefcase nuke, would have done the trick!
-- Commandante Desperado, Dark Force 7
The dirty bomb -- the terror weapon of the new millennium
There's not much to it, really; a few sticks of dynamite salted with one gram of powdered Cesium-137 and Thallium.
Yet, the "Dirty Bomb" makes the perfect terrorist Weapon of Mass Destruction* for the villain on a budget. Hold cities hostage -- impress your friends!*
Price: US$699.99 each; US$499 for each additional gram of radioactive material
Quantity:
**actually, the "dirty bomb" makes a really lousy weapon. Sure, you'll kill a few people with the dynamite -- but the resulting "cloud of radioactivity" won't be much more dangerous than natural background radiation. Some people within half a mile might have an increased chance of thyroid cancer, maybe. But most people are idiots, and are really scared of dirty bombs. Make the most of it.
SS-1 "SCUD" missile - limited time offer!
That great boon to illegal arms dealers everywhere, the U.S. invasion of Iraq, has released onto the open market a number of Soviet-made SCUD missiles.
First used in the 1973 Arab-Israeli Yom Kippur War, the SCUD was later used in the Iran-Iraq war of the 1980s. But these sturdy little killing machines were made famous by the first Gulf War in 1991.
Carries a moderate sized warhead up to 180km. Sure, they're erratic and undependable, but when you see the price, you just won't care*.
Price: US$899.99 each; minimum order of 20
Quantity:
*Due to improper storage, SCUDs may have dents, scratches, water damage, and colonies of these really nasty spiders. You DO NOT want to get bitten by these things. They're insane. My whole leg swelled up like a balloon. And it hurt like a mother-fuck. Seriously, keep an eye out for the spiders.
The flamethrower
When it comes to indiscriminate destruction, no weapon beats the flamethrower.
A gift to the world passed down by the ancient Greeks and rediscovered in World War I, the flamethrower is the weapon of choice for the infliction of pain and permanent maiming.
Sunny Horizons Weapons Systems Inc., of Austin Texas presents the RPO-theta, the latest advancement in incendiary weapons technology. Fires a high-pressure stream of ignited synthetic napalm, filling a 60' diameter area with 400° F of flaming death. Suitable for lair defense, small guerilla operations, and parties.
Price: US$2,499.99.
Quantity:
WARNING: learn from the experience of the Swamp Monster. If you're made out of flammable material, don't use a flamethrower.
Personnel-based rocket launcher
Sunny Horizons Weapons Systems Inc., of Austin Texas, presents the standard for light infantry heavy weaponry; the Rocket Launcher, a.k.a. "bazooka."
Fires one round, but boy, does that round pack a punch. Rockets extra.
Price: US$12,200; rockets US$189.95 ea.
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NOTE: requires two operators, one to load and one to fire. An untrained loader may peer into the exhaust end when firing. This is invariably hilarious.
Gizesukaristo MK1 multi-dimensional hand cannon
Why is a mere handgun listed on the "Heavy Weapons" page? Read carefully, because we've only got eight of these in stock, and you'll never have a chance to buy one again.
Tekoki God Takiyaki, formerly of Lovely Nippon Villain Kyen Kyen LLC, has gone solo, and is selling off his private weapons stash due to a paternity settlement.
He claims he got these guns "from an alternate dimension from our own, of a space and time beyond what mere human men call life" blah blah blah. All we know is, one shot from one of these babies blew an 80 meter diameter crater in the side of a mountain, with the normal kickback of a large-gauge handgun. We're keeping some, but selling off the rest.
Each handcannon comes with a leather* carrying case, 12 bullets, and a guide to manufacturing more bullets.**
Price: US$12,500 ea.
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*Don't ask what kind of leather. **Materials required include a nickel-free tungsten alloy and human souls forged into a metal-like substance through oni demon magic.
Accukak Systems non-lethal anti-personnel unit
You're looking for two things -- a cheap, effective personnel-based weapon that will incapacitate large numbers of rioters, unruly minions, government agents or enemy soldiers; and an end to those pesky wrongful death suits.
Then the Accukak Non-Lethal APU is for you! With five guaranteed* non-lethal antipersonnel options: the glue gun incapacitates up to 30 people harmlessly** in a sticky mucilage paste; the net gun will bind up to 12 persons in a comfortable*** nylon net; the lubricant gun immobilizes up to 50 persons with a nontoxic super-lubricating synthetic Teflon fluid****; the electric taser immobilizes up to 24 people with a range of 25', with no harmful side-effects*****; and the foam gun encases up to 150 people in a fast-hardening acrylic-based foam******. Cleanup is easy!
*Guarantee not guaranteed **glue has been known to clog nose and throat, leading to death ***net has been known to strangle targets, leading to death ****lubricant has been known to be so effective that emergency personnel can not reach targets for many days, leading to death *****taser has been known to electrocute targets, leading to death ******foam has been known to smother targets, leading to death; actually, this always happens
Mobile missile launcher
If you're like us, you want a portable, easy-to-use missile launcher you can trust your henchmen not to fuck up. But you're tired of buying ex-Soviet.
That's why Evil On A Budget, Inc. refurbishes used Israeli missile launchers, strips off the VIN numbers, and sells them to you at an amazingly low price!
Call today, and get a free CARFAX report!
Price: US$250,000 each (save 60%)
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"L'il Crusher" economy mobile offensive unit
Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the "L'il Crusher," the unit that combines economy with lethality.
Hardened steel armor over a Kia Sportage chassis, the L'il Crusher features room for four, ample trunk space, built-in heavy machine gun, additional hardpoints for four heavy weapons, and a spare tire.
At 8 mpg city/12 mpg highway, it's the best fuel economy you'll find in any armored vehicle!
Price: US$16,498 with 3-year lease package
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SPV advanced armor vehicle
Tanks? Your welcome! Welcome to keep them, that is!
They're noisy, ugly, cumbersome, gas-guzzling monstrosities with no flair or panache!
That's why you need the Syko-Systems Paramilitary Vehicles AAV, or Advanced Armored Vehicle. How is an AAV different from a conventional tank? Stop asking questions, insolent swine! Just buy! Buy! BUY!
The Ultimate Terrorist Weapon from the ultimate terrorism supplier, FSS Inc.
Each unit constructed lovingly by hand by former Soviet scientists. 100 megaton yield. The completed unit, with fuel*, weighs only 90 pounds, and the titanium alloy shell is impervious to airport x-rays. Comfortable stainless steel carrying handle. 30-day warranty.
Price: US$12,000,000
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*uranium not included.
Personnel-based electromagnetic rail gun
A personnel-based electromagnetic rail gun? You must be crazy!!!
Well, of course we are. And you would be too, to pass up on this bleeding-edge high-tech beauty.
Electromagnetically accelerates steel slugs to 12% of the speed of light. Good for taking out heavy mobile armor, taking down jumbo jets from your patio, and taking pot shots at the lunar lander. *
Manufactured by the safety-conscious folks at the Weylan-Yutani Corporation.**
*This weapon generates an EM field that has been known to disrupt communications, damage and erase electronic media, and destroy computer equipment within a 50 km radius; also causes infertility and microcancers in the operator, and destabilizes all EM activity in the operator's brain, leading to irreversible coma. An asbestos helmet is advised. **The Weylan-Yutani Corporation is currently paying a large bounty for information leading to the live retrieval of xenomorphic macrofauna. Contact Carter J. Burke, ex. 180286.
COBRA OR/LY missile delivery platform
When you think of illegally-manufactured military-grade weapons delivery systems, you probably think of Mendez Cartel LLC.
And the latest addition to the Mendez line is THE COBRA, a portable land/sea short range low yield nuclear missile delivery platform priced for the supervillain "on the go."
Features three launch racks, targeting system ports, and classy a chrome winch head. Available in Desert Camo, Jungle Camo, and Fashion Black.
Price: US$22,000,000
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The Oxygen Destroyer
How do you know you've found a great weapon? When the inventor of the weapon kills himself, to keep the item out of the wrong hands.
Sorry, Dr. Daisuke Serizawa. You failed.
If your hands are the wrong hands, then purchase one of our Oxygen Destroyers, built from the plans of the original. It's proven to destroy rampaging macrofauna; and can annihilate a good-sized city as well.
It works by destroying all the oxygen in an area. Hence the name.
Price: ¥2,500,000,000 (approx. US$23,800,000)
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NASA Lunar Defense Vehicle LDV-1
In 1985, with research for U.S. President Reagan's "Star Wars" Strategic Defense Initiative in full swing, NASA scientists were pulled from real research projects to design a lunar ground defense vehicle in case the moon were ever invaded by the Cubans.
These plans languished in a Pentagon filing cabinet until they were uncovered by a government employee on the Syko-Systems payroll. After acquiring an abandoned Mitsubishi Motors plant and a crew of laid-off JPL scientists, Syko-Systems is now mass producing the NASA LDV-1 for use on the planet of your choice.
The LDV is equipped with a 1000-megajoule laser canon capable of both surface-to-air and surface-to-surface attacks. Underneath the titanium shielding is a fusion-powered all-terrain chassis that offers a smooth ride on city streets or on alien worlds.
Comes with A/C, pleather seats and a 6-CD changer. Full warranty.*
Available in White, Albumen, Snow, Alabaster, Cream, Pearl, and Ivory.
Price: US$120,000,099.99.
Quantity: * Syko-Systems has never to our knowledge honored one of their warrantees. Still, you might be the first.
Intercontinental ballistic missile & silo kit
So you've stolen a nuclear warhead, and you have no way to deploy it. It's a common enough problem for supervillains who don't think ahead.
Abandoned missile silos are run-down, damaged, and usually filled with black stinky water. So why not build your own?
Easy to use kit includes all parts and components for one ICBM missile, launch silo, fueling system, and launch control room. Warhead and tools* not included. All you need is a 400 foot hole in the ground and some elbow grease! 15-day guarantee**.
Price: US$736,000,000
Quantity:
*REQUIRES TOOLS: 80-ton capacity rail crane (explosion-proof to European standards) & 5000kg chain hoists, an aerial lift, a digger derrick, a 20,000 lb. telescopic boom, a 13,230 lb. capacity crawler carrier, palletizers and concrete mixers, an industrial concrete saw, an industrial sandblaster, a 30m coring rig, a flat lapping machine, a trencher, a loader backhoe, a motor grader, trailer-mount air compressors, a skid steer loader with GP Bucket (metric), a vapor recovery unit, a portable amine gas sweetening & glycol dehydration unit, a filter-coalescing separator and reboiler, a cable extractor, a large-capacity basket bottom dump centrifuge, a gyratory primary crusher with lubrication system, a 15" x 30" clausing lathe, a carbon-steel versator with 15" diameter disc, a cantilever compactor with 14"x10" rolls, 1200 lbs. of gasless MIG wire, MIG welding rig with spool gun, plasma cutting and gouging system, and medium-size Philips head screwdriver. ** As if.
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In the rush to own the biggest and baddest weaponry, supervillains often fall into a trap -- spending all their resources obtaining 'superweapons' when often a large conventional weapon will do!
There's not much to it, really; a few sticks of dynamite salted with one gram of powdered Cesium-137 and Thallium. 
That great boon to illegal arms dealers everywhere, the U.S. invasion of Iraq, has released onto the open market a number of Soviet-made SCUD missiles.
When it comes to indiscriminate destruction, no weapon beats the flamethrower. 
Why is a mere handgun listed on the "Heavy Weapons" page? Read carefully, because we've only got eight of these in stock, and you'll never have a chance to buy one again.
Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the "L'il Crusher," the unit that combines economy with lethality. 
When you think of illegally-manufactured military-grade weapons delivery systems, you probably think of Mendez Cartel LLC. 
How do you know you've found a great weapon? When the inventor of the weapon kills himself, to keep the item out of the wrong hands.
In 1985, with research for U.S. President Reagan's "Star Wars" Strategic Defense Initiative in full swing, NASA scientists were pulled from real research projects to design a lunar ground defense vehicle in case the moon were ever invaded by the Cubans.
So you've stolen a nuclear warhead, and you have no way to deploy it. It's a common enough problem for supervillains who don't think ahead.