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Helpful Tip: Keep your secret lair a SECRET.
A Secret Lair isn't so secret with a couple of hundred ex-construction workers wandering the globe, blabbing to bar patrons about the secret shark trap you built into your underwater grotto. That's why it's vital to mind Helpful Tip #12:
ALWAYS KILL OFF YOUR CONSTRUCTION CREW ONCE YOUR LAIR IS COMPLETE!
In my experience, the best way to do this is to offer them all a trip home on a luxury liner -- a luxury liner with a hull lined with C4, that is. BWA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha ha!" -- Lord Vilhelm Von Superschuft, Committee of Evil
Ex-al Qaeda caves - now available CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP
Need a quick place to lay low and plot your evil schemes -- but you have no money? Well, don't despair. For pennies a day, you and up to thirty of your closest terrorist buddies can find some warmth and partial shelter in one of our Afghan Caves. Recently abandoned by their previous occupants, these "natural lairs" sport real stone floors, natural stone ceilings, pleasant open-air entrances, and convenient "potty holes." And you might find a spare shell casing or two, a khyber knife, or even the badly photocopied plans for a horseback invasion of Kabul. You might even score a used dialysis machine!
Does not include obvious, accessible self-destruct mechanism -- but it might collapse at any time.
Sharper Image™ presents The Inflatable Lair
Having made billions on the Ionic Breeze®, the folks at The Sharper Image* are diversifying into Global Domination. Their first item for the Evil-enablement market? The Inflatable Lair®!
Just activate the battery-powered air pump**, and in minutes*** you'll have a lair worthy of a Supervillain!**** The inflatable lair is made of defense-grade mylar,***** and contains numerous compartments designed for plotting, scheming, and torturing; plus an exterior inflatable "Bikini Girl Lagoon." Includes convenient, obvious self-deflate mechanism.
*VillainSource is not affiliated in any way, shape or form with The Sharper Image. They're controlled by the Church of England / Vatican Bank / Reptilloid Conspiracy. Note also that we have never suggested that The Sharper Image Founder, Chairman and CEO Richard Thalheimer is himself a Reptilloid. As we have pointed many times, Mr. Thalheimer is only half-Reptilloid. **Requires nonflammable oxygen-hydrogen atmosphere, or equivalent; also, batteries. ***Roughly 1,850 minutes. ****Not any supervillain we'd hang out with. *****Do not use sharp objects, firearms, dental instruments, knitting needles or live tigers in The Inflatable Lair®.
Sure, it may lack sophistication and flair; but our Concrete Bunker can withstand multiple heavy missile hits -- it's the best defended lair in its price range. Evil On A Budget Inc. presents the Concrete Bunker Assembly Kit*. Just dig a hole, pour your concrete**, and you're in business. Features solid iron entry door***, indoor plumbing**** and electrical*****.
*kit consists of a 50'x45'x15' plastic mold **concrete not included ***door accessory not standard; available for additional charge ****not actually available *****features single 60-watt bulb and the requisite obvious and accessible self-destruct button
Budget lair w/ mini-dome
Evil On A Budget, Inc. presents the Mini-Lair, a 30 x 30 x 20m corrugated metal lair with incorporated mini-dome, suitable for small missile launches, medium-sized lasers, or other small-to-midsize superweapons. Includes convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism. A/C and electricity extra.
Price: US$4,999.99 (Save 20%!)
Abandoned missile silo lair
In the 1950s and '60s, the U.S. Government perforated the American Midwest with these nuclear-hardened missile installations. Long-abandoned, unused missile silos are the evil architecture bargain of the new century!
Your silo lair contains a sumptuously refurbished Central Command Center, plus the 600'-deep silo itself, which offers 20,000 feet of additional space! Suitable for bottomless pits, shark traps, mazes of death, prisons, or even firing missiles. And all Abandoned Missile Silo Lairs come complete with an obvious and accessible self-destruct mechanism.
Secluded mountaintop villa
This 3,200 square meter mountaintop villa comes complete with master bedroom, 3 guest rooms, full kitchen, fireplace, sauna, game room, indoor theater, hidden central computer room, carport, tiger trap, swimming pool, armory, walk-in closets, discreet morgue/crematorium, and convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism. Optional missile defense expansion kit. Produced by Greenacre Homes (Villain Division).
Price: US$3,500,000 (Save 10%; missile defense upgrade only US$350,000)
The hydrofoil yacht - mobile security at a reasonable price!
Why should your lair sit still, waiting for the so-called "good guys" to find it? Stay mobile in an EvilTech Industries HydroYacht 2000! Top speed, 75 knots; petrol engine, with a mini-atomic fuel cell upgrade available. Master bedroom, 6 guest cabins, conference room with InstaDeath™ Chairs, global communications suite, shark cage, dorsal hardpoints for weapons upgrades (metric, not standard), and convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
Price: US$7,250,000 (Save 10%; atomic power upgrade only US$10,000,000)*
Quantity: * uranium not included.
In today's anti-terrorism, anti-supervillainy environment, most evil people are sticking to secret lairs and hidden bases. But super-villains of quality do not fear the meddlesome intrusions of law enforcement, and boldly proclaim their locations as a challenge to all inferior beings. That's why we still offer the Original™ Skull Island, from Scaramanga & No S.A.
Our expert sappers will carve a terrifying skeletal visage into the side of any medium-to-large volcanic island, thereby proclaiming to passing ships and orbiting satellites "evil dwells here!" The Original™ Skull Island also features the usual amenities; global communications base, sumptuous lair, private grotto, shark trap, heavy-weapons launch site and submarine base. And, of course, there's an obvious and accessible self-destruct mechanism.
GMOH advanced escape vehicle
People have written in to ask us, "why don't you have a section devoted to escape pods?" Cowardly fools! First off, every lair comes with an escape enablement system, or it's not a "lair." And second, why are you so concerned about having to get away? Unsure of your "perfect scheme?"
That said, it's always prudent to have a backup plan. So Sugomi Zaibatsu LLC presents the GMOH Advanced Escape Vehicle System. Don't trust your most precious cargo (yourself) to risky ejection systems or bulky jet pods you can't control. The GMOH is a complete emergency transport system, complete with self-guided VTOL armored risk-avoidance vehicle. And the entire system installs in any medium-to-large lair.
Price: US$220,000,000 (Save 10%!)
Price: US$220,250,000 (Save 10%)
Evil castle lair - ultramodern comfort with an evil Gothic flair!
Sure, everyone wants a castle lair -- they're cool, scary, and a lot more fun to torture people in. But they're also cold, damp, expensive to maintain; and it's impossible to fit a proper Genetics Lab or Pleasure Pit into those little stone rooms!
That's why Scaramanga & No S.A., the world's leading Evil Architects & Contractors, have introduced the VLAD TEPES SERIES EVIL CASTLE LAIR. It's a fully modern and functional lair built within a castle-shaped fiberglass shell, that looks so real it even fools English Heritage.
Includes Master Bedroom, 3 guest suites, 4.5 bath, Grand Ballroom, computer center, medical center/torture chamber, indoor pool, servants barracks, home theater system, Wild Boar Feeding Arena, missile silo, and central air. Includes convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
Price: US$99,999,999.99 (ask about a discount for AAA members)
ANC 1000 zeppelin lair -- never needs to land!
Today's supervillain is lithe and nimble, always on the move. Imagine needing to escape, and trying to take your volcano lair with you!
That's why the Arctic Nazi Consortium is making available, for sale only to discreet buyers, the ANC 1000 Zeppelin lair.
The best in advanced, high-speed technology is combined with a four-star kitchen, 10,000 feet of living space, a communications center, a fully-equipped danger room, and a tiger pit.
Yes, a tiger pit. On a zeppelin. Who could ask for more?
The ANC 1000 is fully equipped for in-flight fueling, which means you'll never have to land. Not ever. Now that's security.
Price: models start at US$250,000,000; hydrogen* not included.
*Yes, we use flammable hydrogen instead of non-flammable helium. Why? Because WE'RE NOT PUSSIES!
Subterranean island base w/ optional volcano upgrade
When you graduate from villain to Supervillain, your lair must also graduate from a lair -- to a SuperLair. That's why Volcanic Island Contractors is the NUMBER ONE manufacturer of secret lairs in the world!
Your private island comes equipped with a secret underground submarine bay, Master Bedroom, a 40-room luxury villa, atomic reactor, missile/laser launch bay, command room (T3 lines included), shark trap, billiards room, cybernetics lab, full bar, housing and facilities for up to 250 henchpersons, private suites for up to 12 beautiful bikini women, and convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
Buy the volcano upgrade, and get a free Nikon Digital Camera!
Price: US$999,999,999.99; volcano upgrade US$10,000,000 for inactive, US$50,000,000 for active
Corporate mega-tower lair
Secure yourself from the prying eyes of journalists, world leaders, law enforcement, and meddlesome do-gooders in the top three floors of your 112-story Corporate Mega-Tower.
Designed and contracted by Scaramanga & No, LLC, the mega-tower generates revenue and gives you direct access to business leaders and lackeys while providing a fantastic view of all that will soon be yours to rule.
Includes Luxury Living Suite, Master Control Center, Escape Rocket Launch Bay, Elevator of Death, private cafeteria, personal express elevator with easily-guessed security code, and convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
Price: US$2,500,000,000.99 each -- buy twin towers, get a free building-to-rocket upgrade!
Armored luxury cruise ship w/ stealth technology
JKL Shipyards (Despots & Dictators Division) presents the ultimate in seagoing evil: The Obsidian Mark XII Armored Luxury Cruise Ship, featuring the latest in BlackOps "Stealth" technology.
With a gross tonnage of 150,000 UMS, and measuring 1,131' length, 131' breadth, and 32' draught, the Mark XII is the largest armored luxury craft on the market. Its 17 spacious decks can hold an army of underlings, minions, and sex slaves; up to 3,200 crew and prisoners total!
13 professional kitchens produce fine meals (or gruel) 24-hours a day! With sumptuous Master Living Quarters, World Domination Telecommunications Center, Spacious 8-story atrium, 3 Grand Ballrooms, Piranha trap, 4 Olympic swimming pools, Helicopter Deck, Missile Launch Bay, Mini-Submarine with launch bay, Shuffleboard Courts, Mini-Hospital with Torture Chamber, and and convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
Price: Starts at US$3,700,000,000.00. Speak to a representative for details (cust. code VS101)
Undersea city -- hide where they'll never find you!
Humanity ignores 70% of this vast planet - the 7/10ths that lies under the sea.
Hatch your schemes from EvilTech's UnderSea City 3000, the submarine lair that (practically*) builds itself!
Create a habitat for yourself and up to 500 minions in this safe**, reliable*** undersea environment. Includes 3 luxury residences, submarine base, central control module, nuclear energy source, lab space, private suites for up to 12 beautiful bikini women, and convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism.
*requires 1200 specially-trained aquatic construction personnel **as long as no one resets the pressure seals above the red line, from one of many obvious and accessible control panels ***reliability based on computer models; not guaranteed
Orbital space station -- the ultimate on security & privacy
When it's time for your Domination plans to go Global, then an island or an undersea city just isn't enough. Take your power and security to the extreme with an ORBITAL SPACE STATION.
Produced by a former Soviet contractor who wishes not to be named, your personalized space platform includes: Master Bedroom, 18 guest cabins, artificial gravity promenade deck, fine galley, 3 space docks, Centrifuge of Death, oxygenation garden, cloning laboratory, missile launch bay, and particle beam laser bay.
What's more, the Particle Beam Laser, 2 ex-American Space Shuttles, 18 robot henchmen, and 3 sexy FemBots are INCLUDED in the price! No upgrades needed! Includes convenient, obvious self-destruct mechanism. Order today!
Price: US$18,250,000,000.00* (Save $35 if you pay with your Visa debit card)