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NEW! The portable Obvious And Accessible Self-Destruct Mechanism
Every supervillain knows that the Obvious and Accessible Self-Destruct Mechanism (OAASDM) is an integral part of any lair, secret base or criminal hideout.
But what about when you're out and about? What if you're miles from home, and suddenly need to self-destruct?
Presenting the Portable OAASDM, from World Domination LLC Specialty Products Division. It's the perfect gift for that special villain, mad doctor, criminal mastermind or despot.
It doesn't just blow up -- heck, you could carry around a stick of dynamite for that. Sporting a secure yet accessible Giant Red Button, the Portable OAASDM counts down from one hundred* and not only explodes destroying a twelve block radius, but also remotely detonates your lair as well!**
Price: US$1,499.99 ea; request gift wrapping for an additional $12.99
* Countdown only stops at "001." ** Does not affect escape vehicles.
Helpful Tip: Evil
Theologians define Evil as a supernatural force vying against God to corrupt mankind. Secular Humanists define Evil as any behavior that enhances an individual's success at the expense of the success of others.
And I define Evil as the enjoyment I get from watching thousands of innocents squirm in terror as I destroy the very underpinnings of everything they believe and hold dear in my quest to command supreme domination over all life.
EVIL IS NOT A PHILOSOPHY. IT IS NEITHER A MEANS NOR AN END. IT IS AN ATTITUDE AND A LIFESTYLE.
Make no excuses. Support no ideology. Never explain. You're EVIL. Just do it.
--Commodore Vierundsechzig, Supreme Leader of the International Brotherhood of Rapscallions
Adopt an al-Qaeda cell
They're armed, trained, fanatical, and they're sitting around not doing anything anyway.
Plus, they're not too bright -- just tack "Allah wants you to..." onto any command and off they go!
Please note your al-Qaeda cell will need transportation from their secret hiding place.*
Price: Negotiable (food, clothes, a place to sleep)
* Their "secret" hiding place being Pakistan, of course. NOTE: Customers still seeking refunds on our "Adopt a PLO Cell" offer should just give up.
In the wake of the successful completion of the Earth phase of their Galactic Anal Survey, an undisclosed number of Alien Grays have remained behind on Earth, looking for more meaningful work.
Being inherently sneaky, nasty and evil, they can be of great help in furthering your evil schemes.*
They also promise to share their alien technology.**
And since they don't eat or sleep, they require almost no care!***
*Unless they turn on you, the little bastards. **You know, velcro, night-vision goggles, processed cheese food, dicey antigravity engines -- the usual. ***Wipe down once a week with a soft, damp cloth. NOTE: Be sure to keep your anus well protected when dealing with alien grays.
Multi-level marketing scheme
There's not much in the world more evil than a good Multilevel Marketing Scheme.
Why, it's been estimated that MLMs have ruined more lives than W.W.II, the Bhopal Disaster, and child actors combined.
And don't forget that many of today's largest Global Domination Conspiracies, like Amway and the International Cabal for Fascism, Terrorism, and Fine Quality Home Goods at Reasonable Prices, started as MLMs.
Get everything you need to start from this informative home presentation, brought directly to you in your lair or secret base. No obligation.
*Just contact Lord Kraal, Crusher of the Weak, Regional Sales Leader at 818-555-MLM1, and arrange for him and his lovely wife, Lady Ikog, Masher of Nads, to stop by your home or office to give an exciting no-obligation two-hour presentation about opportunities in MLMs.
Skinhead Aryan Christian militia group
Wait a minute, you're thinking -- Nazism failed, despite the snappy costumes, due to outdated racist ideology, bad military decisions, lousy cryptography, and the amazing propaganda power of American Warner Bros. cartoons.
So why would I want to hire a bunch of inbred misfit losers, adhering to a failed ideology, and who can't muster enough brain power between them to jump-start a penlight?
The answer: volume, volume, volume. We recruit these drooling pinheads through publications like Soldier of Fortune and Teen People, outfit them with patches, baseball bats, and malt liquor, and set them loose on an unsuspecting public.
Great for random acts of violence, drunken brawling, synagogue desecrations, and incest. Especially useful if you are planning to take over Montana. Bulk rates.
Price: US$15.00 per head, min. 100
*we accept no responsibility for the backlash if you decide to arm these retards.
Nothing intimidates a "hero" more than sitting in your stainless steel control seat, stroking your pussy.
Actually, we can't thing of any activity more lame and effeminate. But if it's good enough for Ernst Stavro Blofeld, it's good enough for us.
Price: US$149.99 each*
*evil cat food, evil collar, and evil litter pan not included.
Doctor DeSpayr 6" action figure
Of course you worship Dr. DeSpayr -- we all do. Now you can recreate his greatest battles with the Dr. DeSpayr Action Figure from Ronco™.
Figure is fully posable and includes a MK VI Rifle, stutter gun,* Cape of DeSpayr and an Obvious & Accessible Self-Destruct Button.
Available in lots of 144 only.**
Price: US$299.99 per lot of 12 doz.
*Of course, the real Dr. DeSpayr does not need guns. He defeats his enemies with the power of his intellect and with his combat armor. But the toy company insisted on including guns. **The henchperson who originally described these as "one gross" has been flayed.
Doctor DeSpayr 12" action figure "limited edition"
Composed of the same high-quality Unobtainium as Dr. DeSpayr's real combat armor, this quality 12" reproduction of the future Lord of the Earth is fully posable and includes an attractive display base featuring an Obvious & Accessible Self-Destruct Button.*
This is the same quality figure that visitors to the Castle DeSpayr Gift Shop have been purchasing for years.
*Actually works -- pressing this button will destroy the figure, and everything within 12 blocks. Fool your friends! **They have yet to unleash the power of Unobtainium. ***Signed by one of his organ donor clones, actually. But that's almost as good. I mean, as if Dr. DeSpayr has time to sign things for the likes of you.
White House communications tap
So your evil schemes are ripe, and World Domination is in your grasp -- how do you let the world know?
When you're tired of appearing on Larry King Live and want to go straight to the top, get your very own White House Communications Tap.
It's easy to bribe a technician at Bell Atlantic and get your own video feed directly into the Oval Office. All the supervillains are doing it!
*Also available: Kremlin Communications Tap, Air Force One Communications Tap, United Nations General Assembly Communications Tap, U.N. Security Council Communications Tap, World Court at The Hague Communications Tap, and Total Request Live with Carson Daly Communications Tap.
Looking to take over the world, but not up to doing the work yourself?
Why not let someone with successful experience* take over your cabal, while you sip Mai Tais on the beach?
The Arctic Nazi Consortium is now liquidating its entire stock of Adolph Hitler clone zygotes. Raise your own tyrant in the privacy of your own home. Don't miss out on this exciting opportunity! Some assembly required.**
Price: DM10.000.000 per zygote
*depending on your definition of "successful," of course. **requires Carbon Freezing equipment, artificial insemination lab, artificial womb or willing Aryan birth mother (non-Aryan birth mother voids warranty).
Robotic Ayn Rand
Need advice about your latest megalomaniacal scheme? If only you could ask history's greatest megalomaniac, "novelist" and "philosopher" Ayn Rand. Too bad she's dead.
But wait! In 1963, a secret cabal of Objectivists intent on taking over the Student Union at MIT built the first robotic Ayn Rand, and now you can own a Randroid® based on their original design.
Comes with stock phrases such as "Morality ends where the gun begins," "Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent," and "Nathaniel! Bring me another gin and tonic!"
Price: US$50,000 includes software*
*software tends to be rather buggy. For instance, your Randroid® may oppose immigration, yet be an immigrant herself. She may oppose infidelity, yet cheat on her husband. She may espouse individuality, yet believe that only those who follow her are individuals. She may oppose the control of individuals by organizations, yet laud corporate power. These bugs can not be repaired.
Vague, panic-provoking communicable disease
As the age of SARS has proven, nothing scares the gullible, scientifically illiterate population like a vague, panic-provoking communicable disease.
Just tack a scary acronym onto any poorly-defined set of flu-like symptoms, and watch the fun begin.
Your Vague, Panic-Provoking Communicable Disease comes with several medical journal articles identifying the disease in the most non-specific terms possible, a batch of press releases, and 25% ownership of a face mask factory.
Quantity: *Your vague, panic-provoking communicable disease may or may not be caused by the bacteria shown, which has not been positively identified.
The Panasonic DX supervillain's personal assistant
Panasonic entered the supervillain gray market in the 1990s, by creating their top-secret Division X. With products such as the Torture Toilet and the Villainy Command Console, Division X has become a major player on the international terror scene.
Panasonic Division X presents the DX Personal Assistant. We conscript Chinese peasant girls, remove their heads and hands, and replace them on a solid-state mecha chassis.
Your personal assistant will make coffee, keep track of your appointments, handle communications with henchpersons, keep detailed files on your enemies, and pleasure you orally if you'd like.
Plus, she can defend herself with arm-based mini-missiles and a wrist device that shoots insidious blood-poisoning nanites.
She won't eat, sleep, or complain. Because even being an inhuman cyborg slave beats living in China.
Price: US$1,700,000.00 ea; kidnapped and cyborgized to your personal specifications
Own a Swiss bank
You have to respect a race that figured out you could sell more cheese if you put holes in it and convince people it's supposed to be that way.
You also have to respect a nation whose banks routinely flout international law and help finance villainy across the world.
So why work through a middleman -- OWN A SWISS BANK! We help you through the mountains of paperwork and hundreds of cash payoffs (for a small fee*).
Price: CHF100.000.000 (minimum bid) *10% of all gross earnings forever. **to own a Swiss bank, you must be a naturalized citizen of Switzerland, which means you must be blond. We have had much success with hair dye.
Make a deal with Satan
Want to guarantee success in your next evil venture? Then do what scores of celebrities have done, like Bill Gates, Alan Greenspan, and Lynne Spears -- strike a deal with The Devil™!
Why take chances -- you're not using your soul anyway! Get anything you want, for a price. Speak to a representative today!
Price: One Eternal Soul (Human)* *soul must not already be damned, nor promised to another major arcanum or anthropomorphic personification, nor damaged in any way (Near Mint to Mint ONLY) **for North America, contact our Infernal Acquisitions Representative, Vaal The Carpathian, Waylayer of Travelers, Beast of the Octumvirate, Viceroy of Hell, through his offices at Halliburton.