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NEW! The Sonic Screwdriver
This bizarre alien device was recently captured from an effete British man, possibly gay, and his assistant, a rude secondary school girl who asked us if we were "bovvered," whatever that means.
The Sonic Screwdriver will open any door, control any device, and modify your cell phone so that it can call anywhere in space and time. Very useful.
Unfortunately, we only have one. We stole the plans for the Sonic Screwdriver from UNIT, but they were riddled with errors. So it's first come, last served.
Price: GBP £130,000 (approx. US$256,000)
Quantity:
*requires two AA batteries, not included
Helpful Tip: Think globally, kill locally.
What's the point in taking over the world if there's no world left to take over when you've taken over it? That's why supervillains need to THINK GREEN, and remember to save the environment as they build their new world order.
That's why I suggest:
USE LEAD-FREE "GREEN" BULLETS!
Recently developed by the U.S. Army, these small arms shells contain tungsten cores instead of the poisonous lead ones that degrade our environment.
This is just one small way you can help keep the world a place where our children can breathe free under the yoke of global tyranny.
-- Sunshine Firebomb, Zero Population League
Shuriken
The distinctive Japanese throwing blades popularized by the Ninja assassins of feudal Japan, these are hira shuriken or shaken, the star-shaped blades most commonly associated with Ninjitsu.
In the hands of a skilled practitioner, these custom-crafted steel blades will penetrate kevlar armor and can kill with a single blow.*
Our custom set of six hand-crafted traditional shuriken comes in a handy leather storage pouch, and will be shipped complete with a certificate of authenticity and sharpening instructions.
Price: US$129.99 for set of six
Quantity:
*In the hands of inexperienced henchmen or dumbass American rednecks who took a "Ninjitsu" class at the local YMCA, shuriken can be counted on to slice fingers, gouge drywall, and probably take somebody's eye out.
The World's Smallest Handgun
Looking for a tiny yet lethal handgun that can be hidden anywhere, is invisible to metal detectors, and won't put a dent in your pocketbook?
Then look no further.
The League of Sub-Atomic Supervillains is now making available, in limited quantities, the 10 Micron Handgun. This miniaturized masterpiece is just as lethal as the regular-sized variety. Never get caught without a weapon again!*
Price: US$399.99. Clips (12 rounds) US$49.99.
Quantity:
*Requires 12-micron nanotech servo-waldo to load and operate.
Air taser stun gun
Used by "law enforcement" for more than 20 years, the EMD Air Taser is now being made available to the illegal small arms market.
EMD weapons like our Taser Z-26 use a powerful 26 Watt electrical signal to completely override the victim's central nervous system and directly disrupt the skeletal muscles. This EMD effect causes an uncontrollable contraction of the muscle tissue, allowing the Z-Series to physically debilitate a target regardless of pain tolerance or mental focus.
"Responsible agencies" have used these so-called non-lethal weapons for decades. But as an added free bonus, the taser makes a great torture device when applied repeatedly. And take it from us; in the right hands, it's lethal.
Price: US$299.99 each
Quantity: *uses 4 "D" batteries, not included
It's a flashlight. It's a gun. It's a flashlight! It's a gun! Wait, can't it be both?
With every major international airport staffed with jackbooted high school graduates who make you take your shoes off and throw out all your shampoo plus conditioner, it's getting harder to sneak around with a weapon.
That's why Imperial Firearms of Serbia created the Flashlight Gun. Even when taken apart or x-rayed, it looks like an ordinary flashlight. The secret is in the Mega-Laser technology developed by the North Koreans, which creates a powerful enough laser to slice a live cow in half.
We know. We tried it. Mmmm, beefy.
The Flashlight Gun runs on rechargeable ion fuel cells, and comes with a lifetime guarantee.*
Price: CSD30,000 (approx. US$550.00)
Quantity:
*YOUR lifetime. So if your unit breaks, we'll just kill you.
The "Dessie"
Presenting the number one choice of murderous thugs everywhere.
The Mark XIX Desert Eagle Pistol offers true interchangeability. Eight different pistols are available - .357 Magnum, .44 Magnum, .440 Cor-Bon Magnum, or .50 A.E., each with a 6-inch or 10-inch barrel.
Purchase one pistol and you have the platform to build the other seven with a simple switch of components.
The Mark XIX Desert Eagle provides unmatched accuracy and control.
Price: US$1,199.99; Buy 100 or more for US$899.99 each!
Quantity:
The world's deadliest shaving kit
Now that airport security personnel have their panties all twisted up in a bunch, how is the common assassin or lackey supposed to carry a piece while traveling?
Once again, Accukak Systems™ proves why they're the leading illegal arms manufacturer in the world with the Penetrator® Series I pistol.
The Penetrator® is a high-quality 9mm automatic pistol that breaks down into a working 7-piece shaving kit. Never have to worry about meddlesome airport baggage screeners again (unless you're "Middle-Eastern-looking" or a hot chick).
Pre-order now for December delivery -- makes a great holiday gift!
Price: US$1200 ea.
Quantity:
The Laser Pistol MK1
Bullets are crude; the 21st Century villain needs a 21st Century weapon.
World Domination Supply, Inc. presents the Laser Pistol MK I, the antipersonnel weapon for the villain on a budget.
Fires 20 deadly laser-light blasts, guaranteed to floor a 6', 200 lb. male. And nothing's more accurate than a laser!* Rechargeable energy cartridges extra.
Price: US$2,199.99; energy cartridges US$299 each
Quantity:
*DISCLAIMER: Although laser blasts travel at the speed of light, we have noticed that heroes have the unnerving ability to "dodge" laser blasts. This defies the laws of physics, and we cannot explain it. Villains and henchpersons do not have this ability, unless they are martial artists.
Stun Pistol
You know, in this crazy business we call villainy, it's not always necessary to kill your adversary.
You might want to stun him, torture him, THEN kill him.
Mengele Medical presents the Stun Pistol, perfect for apprehending heroes and subduing beautiful femmes fatale. Fires a syringe of sodium polyoxenate, guaranteed to drop a small elephant. Six shot.
Price: US$2,500
Quantity: * Our Stun Pistol may kill persons sensitive to sodium polyoxenate, or with heart problems. We consider this a bonus.
The Laser Pistol MK2
Don't settle for bulky, cumbersome laser weapons that make a lot of noise but not a lot of pain.
World Domination Supply, Inc. presents the Laser Pistol MK II, the reliable alternative to noisy conventional handguns.
Fires until its atomic charge runs out (approx. 600 blasts!).* Can be set to Stun, Wound, Kill, and Vaporize. Comfy plastic grip.
Price: US$4,999.99
Quantity:
*villains without a phase-pulse fusion reactor will have to return the unit to the manufacturer for recharging.
Accukak Systems Pulse Rifle OS1431
The perfect weapon for untrained henchmen, the Accukak Systems™ Pulse Rifle fires 999 hollow-point titanium shells PER SECOND. There's no way to miss!*
Includes Accukak's patented computerized auto-targeting system.
Owners of the Accukak Pulse Rifle can purchase shells at bulk discount rates.
Price: US$8,200 each; minimum order one dozen
Quantity:
*DISCLAIMER: In field tests, henchpersons employing automatic weapons actually have hit rates much lower than mathematically predicted, esp. when compared against hit rates for heroes with non-automatic pistols. This phenomenon can not be explained scientifically.
Syko Systems 5550 Multi-Module Assault Rifle
Never before has the illegal arms market seen a weapon like this -- the latest in multi-functional military-grade weaponry.
Syko-Systems presents the 5550, a multi-component automatic rifle that replaces a slew of individual firearms. Swap out components, and your standard rifle is ready for maritime operations; swap again for night operations; swap again for heavy weapons backup.
The 5550 comes complete with multi-platform-ready rifle housing, night vision scope with cover, day scope with cover, grenade launcher sight, folding butt stock with pad, two transparent magazines, barrel guard, grenade launcher with cover, bipod, three interchangeable flip-up sights, three interchangeable barrels, flashlight, and interchangeable stocks. You're prepared for any situation!*
Price: US$9,249.99 for complete set
Quantity:
*complete kit weighs 212 lbs. Better get your henchmen on Creatine.
Seburo 10.375mm-gauge anti-mecha rifle
A fully-automatic select fire helium-injection propellant rifle firing a medium-to-medium-long range 10.375 (8.6555 caliber ogive) Israeli-gauge CF hollow-point cartridge delivering 1000 foot-pounds of force at 30 meters; features a super-cooled zinc-lined bore with super-conducting qualities; fusion energy from the Podkletnov ring in the stock projects helium atoms as an Einstein-Bose Condensate, propelling the titanium cartridge with only 1.5% expected kickback; muzzle velocity 2653 ft/sec; appr. recoil 15.6 ft/LB; titanium shell will begin to break up at 300 yards, limiting effective range. 100 round cartridge, fires 10 rps in fully automatic mode or controlled bursts. Snazzy black PVC designer casing, leather strap. Not for sale outside Southeast Asia.*
Price: US$16,999.99
Quantity:
*So buy a plane ticket
Fingertip-mounted monofilament wire
Finally available outside Japan, the Monofilament Wire is the most deadly hand-to-hand weapon in the world.*
Manufactured by Tessier & Ashpool S.A., the device consists of an artificial fingertip** and a small weighted ball. These are connected by 3 meters of mono-molecular monofilament, an invisible and unbreakable molecular chain of buckyballs so sharp, a single swipe can cut effortlessly through any surface,*** from steel and concrete to solid diamond.
The wire can be extended or contracted from the fingertip at will.
Once exclusively available to zaibatsu ninja assassins, this deadly device is now flooding the global black market.**** Will you be left behind?
Price: ¥1,300,000 ea.; surgical installation not included
Quantity: *Especially to the first time user. No warranty for lost limbs or heads while learning to use this device. **Must be surgically installed by chop-surgeon at a black clinic in Chiba City. ***But can be easily deflected or entrapped by a low-level electromagnetic field. ***Watch out for cheap nylon imitations. They couldn't cut cheese.
Laser cannon MK5 w/ shoulder mount
This portable shoulder-mounted laser cannon from ADM Defense Systems fires a Chemical Oxygen Iodine Laser Beam at 100,000 megajoules/second, sufficient to burn a 1" diameter hole through 10 feet of steel-reinforced concrete at 2.4 miles.
And it weights only 425 lbs.!
Easy to use with illustrated instruction manual. Cold Fusion battery pack extra.
Price: ¥1,300,000 ea.; surgical installation not included
Quantity: *DISCLAIMER: Under certain circumstances, the heat from the projected beam has been known to melt the operator's face clean off; operator should be low-level henchman, or have no face.
Accukak Systems Omnikill multi-delivery rifle
Why choose between a pulse rifle, a laser rifle, a flame-thrower, a freeze ray, a rail gun, a particle beam rifle, and net gun when you can HAVE THEM ALL in one combined superweapon?
Accukak Systems™ OmniKill comes complete with each of the weapons systems listed above, plus A.I.-enhanced antipersonnel targeting -- just get the target in your sights, press the red button, and the OmniKill will track that individual's location FOREVER --- up to 22,000 miles away!
This slim, sleek unit is 1.9 meters long and weighs only 225 kg.
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